Have you ever felt empty and without purpose after an achieved goal? Be it an end-of-module exam, final assessment, research report, essay, a semester, an exchange period… Happens to me every time.
It’s unusual, the more I think about it. I mean, aren’t I supposed to be overjoyed of satisfaction and contentment? Instead, a vision of uncertainty washes over me. I started having doubts about my study plan. Is it working effectively? Am I preparing well for my future job? As if I expected to gain something after I had handed all those assessment submissions. But no.
Then I wonder, my future employers, do you give a care about how I’m getting on in university? Surely you wouldn’t care if I get a first or not for my essay or research report. So am I building the wrong skills here? Am I wasting my time playing with the brainy academics, filling my brain with their over-complicated research, making mighty conversations about disturbing issues faced by governments around the world and making up rules and practices for businesses in case studies!
Would I make more money than someone else who doesn’t have a degree but spend those 3 years starting out business, leveraging social media and building connections? It’s not in my blood to be an entrepreneur, but it dreads the life out of me looking round seeing other people’s success. I envy those landed with an interview, a job, a career. I know I will get mine, no matter how hard it may seem. I will strive for it. It may sound like I’m comforting myself but I’m not. I have been knocked down by non-replied CV application so, I’ve tasted the bitterness of being rejected.
Have I done anything about it? No. And Yes. When I said no, I haven’t made time perfecting my CV. When I said yes, I’m progressing with my exchange study, to get the best outcome of whatever I’m doing right now, which is doing a Bachelor degree. Since I started this degree, I have to finish it with flying colors. So university work may not give me the skills I need in real-life working environment, it will reap a qualification – a stepping stone to a job for me.
This time next year, I’d be doing my professional placement. By the end of next year, I’d be graduating and holding my Bachelor degree. After that, I don’t really know. My study plan only lays out what job positions I want to work in the tourist industry. But where would I work? Overseas or in Vietnam? Each option comes with a price.
Working abroad (English-speaking countries preferably) means there’s more room for self-development (not that there’s none if I work in Vietnam but undeniably the system at home is quite obsolete, bureaucratic, corrupted, under-developed, uninnovated and resistant to change). However, it would entail a life far from family, friends, social networks and cultures. Of course you can accommodate it with home-coming flights once or twice a year (this depends on how much you earn) but it is never the same as being around your parents, taking care of them, bringing up your little sister and performing your domestic duties (upon which I once looked down but now see reasons and great values in).
Mother said I’d be childish to let family hold me back from pursuing my aspirations. She said I wouldn’t feel so needy of family once I’ve found my partner and network. Well, it is possible and she might be right. I can imagine myself working in another country other than home for up to 3 years, but more than that, for a life time, would seem out of questions now. I said now because people change. I may change my mind later. So what good does it do to me to think about it now? Am I wasting time daydreaming then? Sketching my pinky future, blindfolding me eyes from a bleaker outlook on not getting a well-paid job and wasting my knowledge gained from university. Apparently I’m doing it because it’s tempting. And also because I’d be so depressed otherwise.
It’s the fear. I’m a coward. I remember a saying from a very influential professor whose keynote speech I once went to: “Why would you be afraid of something before you even do it?”. I haven’t got my first job yet, so why am I worried it would be a trap to my potentials? I haven’t fished for my professional placement yet, so why am I terrified that I’m not going to get one?
I’m going home this summer and I will work hard at any summer jobs they give me, to make money. I’ll handle the domestic chores, catch up with my sister education and spend time caring for my grandparents. I’ll build my CV and look for internship starting Jan 2018. I’ll process with the online procedure for extending my student residence permit. I’ll start identifying my thesis topic before going back to Finland in August. Those are my goals for the summer. When I go back to Finland, first thing is to find a part-time job, gotta get one this semester.
So, I guess having doubts about yourself and your future may not be alarming at all. Indeed, it is a productive and reflective process. I may not take complete hold of my future in the next five years (which I’m not going to because being a control-freak only makes you frustrated and dissapointed about yourself) but I train my nerves for the worst of it. I set my heart to my initial aspirations, summon my stamina and hold on to confidence. Besides that, it’s also crucial that my mind is balanced and that I enjoy life. Am I?
